Aunty Betty’s Problem Pages

second hand

Is it ok to buy used?

Dear Aunty Betty

I have recently come into a large amount of money and as a result I have purchased a large house just outside the centre of Cheltenham.

This has been a dream of mine for many years. From a small child, I have always wanted to own a large white washed home with a gravel drive and wear bright coloured trousers with a 4×4 that will never be driven off road.

However, I am torn and I need your advice.

As I am aware of the value of money I don’t want to be ‘blowing it all’ and so I want to ask is it ok to consider buying second hand items for my said home?

Aunty Betty says…

Congratulations on your recent purchase and it is refreshing to hear that you appreciate the value of items.

Since the war, following rationing, I can understand how one can go wild over the freedom of buying items such as nylons, chocolates and spam without having to shag an American Airman.

However, a word of warning. I once purchased some second-hand shoes off a drug dealer. I don’t know what they were laced with but I kept tripping all day.

Image result for old shoes

 

Image result for cheltenham racecourse

Job Interview

Dear Aunty Betty

I have been out of work for several months now after being sacked from the local dogs’ home in Gardener’s Lane, Elmbridge.

However, because I love animals the local job centre has put me forward for a job at The Race Course.

The reason I am writing to you is to try and get some help. I’ve not been interviewed for years and so I would appreciate some helpful tips to get me through the recruitment process.

Aunty Betty says…

I’m delighted to hear that you have an interview lined up, especially at The Cheltenham Racecourse.

I don’t know if you are aware I too applied for a job at the said establishment many years ago. Well it was actually during the war when all the Cheltenham menfolk were off shooting the ‘Hun’.

During the interview I was asked if I had ever ‘shoed’ a horse? My reply was simple. I told the interviewer “no, but I once told a donkey on Weston-Super-Mare’s beach to f&ck off”.

To date I still don’t know why I didn’t get the job.

african tribes

It’s all lies!!!

Dear Aunty Betty

Following the recent news article about the use of Umbongo being used in place of butternut squash (It was not a taste sensation) I really must make my feelings of disgust and anger known and write this formal letter of complaint.

Apparently, the tropical juice drink sensation was made by a hippo, a python and a marmoset using apricots, guavas, mangoes, passion fruits and mandarins. Now, there’s a couple of major issues that I to need raise and insist that they are addressed forthwith.

Firstly, these fruits are not of African origin. Following my extensive research it transpires that they come from South American and Mediterranean environments. Furthermore, I doubt whether the said animals would have the mental capacity to mix those ingredients into a drink, never mind get hold of them in the first place.

Secondly, I’ve searched google and Wikipedia extensively. I have also looked at the photo-library archive of the Central African Studies Centre. And believe me there is not one image I can find of anyone drinking Um Bongo in the Congo.

Finally, and most importantly, I’m concerned how this mis-information affects those who will take this tissue of blatant lies at face-value.

Personally, I think it’s a conspiracy to turn us into a nation of unthinking, aggressive zombie f*cktards – go and visit Coventry City centre on a Saturday night and you’ll see proof  that my thesis is correct.

These liars will have blood on their hands and will be held responsible for the demise of the human race if these fabrications are allowed to go unchallenged.

Yours sincerely

Margaret Tooth-Rot.

Aunty Betty says…

Dear Margaret

Firstly, thank you for your letter. I have noted the content and I do indeed get your point.

However, I also think other lies need to be addressed too. Such as; why does baby powder contain no babies. What on earth is that meat found in a dirty kebab?

However, I am concerned that every time I see an advert about vaginal dryness (now, I’m as sympathetic as the next person about having vaginal dryness but I don’t want it thrust in my face every 15 minutes). I suddenly get a craving for Salmon en croute with an extra crunchy crust? Now that is brainwashing my dear.

 

snappy chappy

My Man Is A Snappy, Dappy, Chappy

Dear Aunt Betty,

I wonder if you can help me. I am in such a two and six.

My long term boyfriend of 3 weeks (well we had known each other 48 hours before moving in together) has a fetish for clothes.

He spends all his time planning and preparing how to look like a “Dappy Chappy”

He delves into his dressing up box and out comes cravats, waistcoats and chino’s !!!!!! yes chino’s.

He has now taken to walking the dog with a pipe in his mouth, is growing a handlebar moustache and insists I wink at him and call him Sir !!!!!! The Poodle is now wearing a cravat too.

I crave for the days of Primani, Tesciani’s and Matalani, slobbing around in my PJ’s, Rollers in my hair and enjoying that first roll up of the day.

if truth be told I do love a Blokey Bloke.

is this relationship Doomed Aunty Betty Doomed.

Yours

Candida McItcher

Aunty Betty Says…

Hello Candida McItcher

I’m naturally impressed and secretly envious of your catch there.

‘Chaps’ are generally thin on the ground in these parts of town. As we are all aware there are a lot of fake farmer types swanning around town in their Joules clothing and stuff. So, anything authentic is a nice touch – especially with the pipe as long as it doesn’t blow bubbles (whoever Bubble’s is).

However, you do need to talk to him about the choice of trouser wear. If he gets away with wearing chinos unchallenged then its only one step to sandals and socks. Mark my words young lady.

sandals and socks
Bloody disgusting.

As for the pooch, I think a pheasant hanging from it’s mouth would add that extra touch. Failing that a peasant will suffice. There are plenty to be found hanging around Cheltenham zoo.

I’ve read and re-read your letter. Not because I was trying to get my head around the details of your letter but it was because I was getting a ‘right froth on’ just thinking about that hunky chunky spunk ball you have there.

froth
Getting a right froth on just thinking about it

In my day my mother would have been impressed if I had a bloke who changed his under crackers once a week. There is nothing worse than a sexy moment being ruined by discovering a ‘fudge stripe’ is your man’s kegs. It brings a new meaning to scratch and sniff.

I can still recall those long sunny evenings with my Harold smelling of ‘Brut’ before he took me in the chuffer under the railway bridge. Followed by a bag of chips and the bus home (all for 10p).

Can you find out if he still has a granddad knocking about?

doggy dinner

Doggy Doo Dinner Disaster

Dear Aunty Betty

I am desperate for your help.

I’m sitting here in one’s kitchen in Linden (house prices are rising nicely thank you) just horrified. At what I have just witnessed.

I had invited my friends from work around for dinner. They are an open-minded group as they work at the local ‘clap clinic’ and so are down to earth with regards to life’s funnier side. But this is an experience that even I would not find funny.

Tonight, I’ve cooked a wonderful dinner. A roast free range corn-fed chicken, King Edward potato grattan, broccoli and carrot bubble and squeak. Ingredients from Waitrose of course, garnished with a red wine and garlic gravy. Washed down with a lovely glass of Sauvignon Blanc.

Anyhow, I left the kitchen to go and polish the silver before my guests arrived only to return and witness the dog humping the roasted corn-fed chicken on the dining room table. Well I was livid because I had not got around to stuffing the chicken in the formal way only to discover the dog had done it for me.

Here is my dilemma Aunty Betty. Do I bin the free range corn-fed roasted chicken from Waitrose or wash it out before my guests arrive and mention nothing about the whole incident?

Aunty Betty says…

Well this is a difficult one to consider.

Initially I would have said bin it and phone for a take-away. When it arrives put it on a plate and take all the credit for cooking such a wonderful meal. I have done this myself when I purchased food from ‘Cooks’ on the Bath Road. Even today my family think I’m a dab hand and culinary delights.

However, on reflection this might work in your favour. I would continue to serve the said meal as it is evident that you have worked hard on it.

If anyone comments on experiencing a weird taste just tell them that you purchased a special stuffing from your local Waitrose. Just make up some weird name for it. Something like ‘Wild roasted nut with tea tree leaf stuffing’. Go further and tell them that it is a new range that you can only order on-line so this makes it difficult for them to stop off on the way home to confirm their doubts.

If they still protest just tell them it’s low fat, they fall for that kind of shit.

fancy dress

Fancy Dress Dilema

Dear Aunty Betty

I’ve been let down by my mate and need advice should it happen again.

We were recently invited to a fancy-dress party with my Uni mates at St Paul’s to celebrate the end of the academic year. We decided to go dressed as a pair of ‘tits’ – and I don’t mean the twitting types.

st pauls cheltenham
Studentsville, aka St Paul’s

Anyway, on the night of the party he let me down and I went alone. As a result, I felt like a right tit all night.

Do you have any suggestions should it happen again?

AUNTY BETTY SAYS…

I used to love a good rave where I could get smacked of my (saggy) tits on E’s and stuff. It’s a long way from the war years when my mates and I used to drop our knickers just for a tin of Spam. But I used to love fancy dress parties, always had. These days I get all unnecessary over a nice slice of Victoria sponge and a cup of tea.

spam
Aunty Betty used to get a right ‘froth on’ for a nice tin of Spam.

There are a range of outfits I loved to wear from Sesame Street’s Big Bird to Olive Oil of Popeye fame.

However, these outfits can be expensive to hire or buy and so I wish to offer you a cheaper alternative option.

If you are let down again – or you wish to go alone, why not go with an erect cock on your nose? When people ask what you have come as you can reply “fuck (k)nose”.

I hope this helps my lovely and keep on partying.

Whoop, whoop.

Aldi-Cheltenham

What on earth are Aldi’s playing at?

Dear Aunty Betty

I am writing to you to get some clarification as I am somewhat confused.

I was bored one morning before a round of golf and I took the large step of lowering myself and talking to my cleaner. She has cleaned my regency home for many years now and we have never really had a conversation beyond me grunting at her.

Anyway, one digresses. I thought I would take advantage of the conversation and introduce her to the wonderment of having a wine cellar. To my astonishment, the cleaning lady told me she has a wine rack. ‘Well’ I thought to myself ‘everyone has to start somewhere’, and I was quite impressed that she could name a few choice labels. Such labels that I ca now recall were; Lambrini, White Nun and something called ‘Thunderbird’ (whatever that is?)

Once I allowed her to interrupt me talking about me, myself and I. She mentioned a shop called Aldi’s. Well I’ve seen it whilst passing by on my way to Teweksbury but I’ve never considered going in. After all, my Bentley would look out of place next to the rows of ‘P’ registered Vauxhall Carlton’s or Ford thingymajigs.

The Cleaner, informed me that she has always shopped there for her weekly groceries. But to my astonishment my ears pricked up at the word ‘Chardonnay’. Well one can imagine, I was surprised that such a word could be held within the vocabulary of such a commoner.

So without haste I ventured out and headed straight for Aldi. To put you at ease Aunty Betty, I took the Landy so I could easily be absorbed with the common folk in the car park and I left the Bentley at home – I’m not an idiot you know.

Once inside I was surprised to see that there wasn’t any straw or sawdust on the floor. There was even electricity being used to illuminate the rows of digestible bargains.

After a period of accustoming to ones surroundings I found a row of shelves holding alcoholic beverages. Well, to my horror, I just could not find any Chardonnay labels so  I tried to indicate my need for a member of staff to come to my aid. After about ten minutes of clicking my fingers and no-one running to assist me I stopped a passing member of staff.

I said to this employee. “I say old chap, Do you have any Chardonnay in today”? To which the young chap replied “Yes but she’s not in today. I think she will be in tomorrow”.

Aunty Betty, I am utterly confused. Does Aldi sell Chardonnay or not and should I sack my cleaner?

Aunty Betty says…

Any dickhead drinking Chardonnay and not Sauvignon Blanc deserves a good hiding. Just for you I sent out a reporter to check on Aldi’s stock of Chardonnay and to my amazement it is sold in there for £6.50 – that’s right £6.50.

Also Chardonnay (aged 18)does work there and she was off that day looking after her daughter called Mercedes (aged 8).

thunderbird

Following extensive research I managed to track down the drink called ‘Thunderbird’. This type of drink is a gut-rotting toxin mostly sold at petrol stations or in Londis.  The effects of this shite can be witnessed by observing folk who sit in Gloucester Park on any day of the week.

However, these aren’t really “wines” in the classic sense (think cough syrup combined with burnt rubber).

With regards to your cleaner just shoot it. Job done.

My Granny Is So Unfashionable Compaired To Other Grannies

evesham road
Evesham Road by Pitville Park

Dear Aunty Betty

I have come to the end of my tether with my grandmother. My parents insist that I take her for a ‘nice’ walk in Pitville Park and feed the ducks every Sunday morning.

I know many of your readers will think it’s nice of me to do such a thing, but she is not as cool and hip as my friends’ grannies.

My friends’ grannies wear leg-ins and a nice blouse. Whereas, my granny insists on wearing twin sets and sensible shoes. I can live with the facial hair because I’m not expected to kiss her every time we welcome her but I am starting to be ridiculed by my classmates at Cheltenham ladies College.

Can you offer any advice on my plight?

 

Aunty Betty says…

I have had a string of letters stating the same problems. What I have found that works is if you get some silver paint. The airfix type is best as it is easier to handle. Once you have obtained this paint simply paint her facial warts silver. From a distance it will look like she has had facial piercings of which is very fashionable with the young folk.

I would also like to recommend that you keep the old dear nice and fresh. I came across an old advert (I assume from your granny’s time) to help with any potential odour problems.

 

old soap

You granny will instantly become fashionable and you will be the envy of every one of your classmates.

argosMy wife found me on a dodgy website.

Dear Aunty Betty

I am so ashamed. My wife was out playing Bridge with the local WI and I took full advantage of her absence.

As soon as she drove down the drive in the BMW, I couldn’t help but notice that she still failed to know where the indicators are. Bless her. Anyway, I sneaked into the parlour whereby I switched on my apple mac pro.

It took me a while to pluck up the courage to write into Google what one was seeking.   With shaking hands and sweat on my brow I searched for Elizabeth Duke products at Argos (there is a branch on the high street opposite Sports Direct). You may mock, but they represent value within the jewellery market.

Anyhow, my wife burst in resulting in one spilling my scotch and ginger over my Rupert trousers. She found me online looking at a cheap gift in readiness for her Christmas stocking. I was so ashamed. My page was on an item priced at £14.99 – that’s right £14.99 (available whilst stocks last). My wife screamed at me shouting “is that all I’m worth”? But I’ve spent all my money on booze, gambling, wild women and the rest I’ve just wasted. To be honest, she really needs a face lift more than a necklace so I thought some heavy duty earrings may help weigh down some of that facial excess. After all, her jowls nearly touch her thruppenny bits  and they are already saggy.

What do you suggest to redeem myself and save my marriage?

Thank you.

Aunty Betty Says…

Just fuck her off, you fancy her sister more anyway.

 

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