A World leader In A Health Service

A health service to be proud of

The Cheltenham Hurrah are proud to announce to the whole retailing world that Cheltenham’s local supermarkets are taking the pressure off the overburdened NHS. Cheltenham will be a world leader with such innovative ideas to help patients and professionals alike.

Accident and Emergency

cheltenham A&E
Cheltenham A & E taken during the daylight hours

We are all aware that our good doctors, nurses and Ambulance drivers are fully stretched to the point of near breakage. We are also aware that you cannot be sick in Cheltenham after 7pm as the hospital closes and so many of our unclean are sent to Gloucester A&E to show them what life was like during the Victorian times.

gloucester hospital
Gloucester Hospital

To see a GP or not to see a GP

Furthermore, you need to book your illnesses at least four weeks ahead to have any chance of seeing your local GP.

A high street gynaecologist service

However, it has been brought to our attention that the likes of Sainsbury’s, Morrisons and Asda are now operating a gynaecologist service at many of their larger branches around the spa town. The leaflets state that they charge by the hour which is excellent value for money.

rug doctor
The Rug Doctor

The ‘Rug Doctor’ which available at the above-named stores prides its self on the service that it offers.

The high quality leaflet states…

“The most cost-effective way to deep clean your rug with a wet extraction, the Rug Doctor makes this easy and convenient for you! – available in all stores 7 days a week.”

Fishy fingers

Giles Press-shirt from M&S stated that they had no interest in offering this service within his stores at present. “Well already have a fish counter” he stated. “We have no more need for any other fishy type services thank you very much”.

Fishy-Fingers
Fishy fingers

“Where will this lead?” Said Colin Cornflower from Waitrose. “We need to draw a line somewhere, as soon as we offer this kind of service within our stores customers will be expecting their teeth to be extracted within the bread isle.”

Bargain

Argos on the Gallagher retail park are pushing this service further by offering the Gyno services for £20 – That’s right £20, while stocks last.

My wife has a battered flea ridden rug

Miles Tie-clip from the local council stated “We really are going to be put on the world health map with this kind of service – I for one cannot wait to get home and get my good lady wife to get rid of her clumps by using the locally supplied ‘Rug Doctor’”.

 

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Fake News Exposed – Shocker

As you know The Cheltenham Hurrah prides itself on producing accurate and reliable news stories for its decent, hardworking readership.

A high end read

The Cheltenham Hurrah, has literally been publishing ‘high end’ news articles for days now and it prides itself on being the first with breaking, hard hitting headlines. We never shy away from the facts and are accurate in its reporting. Our reporters are always the first on the scene to keep it’s Cheltenham folk as up-to-date with relevant news articles as they arrive into our office.

We at The Cheltenham Hurrah are proud of its readership and the letter we received last week from Mr Joe King from Charlton Kings. Mr King stated that he considers The Cheltenham Hurrah as “fantastic” and it’s reporters as “literacy geniuses”. He also went further to demand “more”. Of course we are grateful for this kind of feedback and continue in our endeavours to please our readers.

Fake news

However, recently some inaccuracies from other local news agencies have come to light of which The Cheltenham Hurrah would like to challenge.

London Road
London Road, Cheltenham

A local newspaper recently ran an article about Gloucestershire’s oldest resident, Mrs Doris Tea-Strainer (112) who had sadly passed away in the early hours of Friday morning surrounded by her family. It further stated that Mrs Tea-Strainer resided at a care home on the London Road just outside Cheltenham. Then in the same article, it stated that the oldest Gloucestershire resident now lives in a nursing home on the Denmark Road in Gloucester.

Do they think we are idiots?

How on earth can any respectable reader be expected to believe this? On the one hand, it says she is dead then says she isn’t. Then it expects us to believe that she has now moved 10 miles down the road?

What on earth has happened to the quality of newsman ship in and around Gloucestershire? Next thing, they would expect us to believe that it’s two different people. Well, we are just not going to fall for that kind of tomfoolery.

We at the Cheltenham Hurrah are keen to point out this error and expect a full, printed apology from the rival newspapers forthwith.

Vice Squad Called Out To Warden Hill Road

The local vice squad were called out to Warden Hill Road this afternoon following a series of calls from local residents.

Pure filth

At about 10am this morning neighbours overheard a conversation by a Mrs Crinklecut (86), followed by loud banging.

Long length

Neighbours were reported to have heard Mrs Crinklecut ask a young man how much he would charge to “put a length up my back passage”?

“Well” said Martin Partin (35) from the local resident’s association. “We don’t want that kind of thing around here, we have young children and a number of local schools in the vicinity”.

Propositioning local young men

“Utter filth” exclaimed Mrs Nothingbetter-todo (54) of Warden Hill Road.  “Just because Mrs Crinklecut has lived here since the houses were built doesn’t mean she owns the road”. Furthermore, Mrs Nothingbetter-todo stated “she can’t go around propositioning our young men just like that and expect to get away with it. It’s just not on”.

Loud banging

The next-door neighbours of Mrs Crinklecut decided enough was enough when they started to hear banging coming from the old lady’s house. “We had no choice” said the unnamed neighbour, “we had to call the police”. “It reminded me of hearing my parents at it, it made me feel sick” stated another neighbour.

Inspector Pointless from Cheltenham police station was quick to respond and rapidly despatched the local vice squad to the Warden Hill Address. He stated that his officers have had “a number of years of dealing with sexy things going on in unsuspecting decent neighbourhoods”.

Poor young man

Inspector Pointless stated that “on arrival we found a poor young man all hot and sweaty with an elderly lady standing over the poor gentleman.”

According to statements given to the police it transpired that Mrs Crinklecut was after a quote for laying a length of carpet down her back passage which led to her garden.

‘It was lovely’ she stated

“Well” said Mrs Crincklecut, “I was delighted when the young man said he would do it for £150”. It’s a lovely length [of carpet] and stops me bringing in the mud from the garden when I let Tiddles (the cat) out at night.

Good value for money

carpet
A lovely length

Following these revelations nobody from the residents association or the police were available for further comment. However, Mrs Crinklecut was delighted with her long length up her back passage. “It was a bargain too” she stated.

 

 

It Was Not A Taste Sensation!!

Following a recent televisation of  Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall cooking programme, there was a sudden rush to the local shops within Cheltenham for a range of produce to make his ‘Chilli Lemon and mint roasted butternut squash.’

Continue reading “It Was Not A Taste Sensation!!”

Cheltenham Zoo Named Best Zoo In Gloucestershire

Cheltenham Zoo has today been named as the best rated zoo in the Gloucestershire county. This prestigious award was followed by another Cheltenham achievement as Pets at Home (based at the Gallagher Retail Park) came a close second.

Continue reading “Cheltenham Zoo Named Best Zoo In Gloucestershire”