Following our initial launch back in July our readership often goes into triple figures. Due to this massive success, we felt it was necessary to stretch our reporting tentacles outward and to reach out to other nations for up-to-date and informative news articles.
Our American cousins were keen to embrace The Cheltenham Hurrah’s news philosophy and share stories from across their nation.
Harvey Leatherchaps (40) from Kansas quickly made contact with our Cheltenham head office to offer his services with regards to recent events in America.
After we established that not everything in England was ‘cute’ or ‘small’ and that Dick Wad was not related to William Shakespeare (although it has often been said that he is a genius with the written word). The Cheltenham Hurrah were keen to hear his account of the recent heavenly phenomenon of the solar eclipse.
People are going crazy
Harvey informed us that ‘the American people were going crazy to witness this wonder and people were literally putting down their Big Macs to go and stand by a window.’
Although England is not due a (partial) eclipse until February 2018 Harvey was keen to offer us ‘cute little English folk’ a few tips on safety when being out and about whilst this solar sensation takes place.
“Firstly” stated Harvey, “try and get to higher ground.” Harvey’s reasoning for this was that the closer you are to the moon the better you will see it.
“Secondly”, and Harvey was keen to express this due to its importance, “if you are going to look at the solar eclipse don’t look at it through a colander”. When we asked him why this is so important Harvey was adamant in his response. He stated that if you did indeed look at the eclipse through a colander “you might strain your eyes.”
We thank our American cousins for such handy advice.
Please keep following The Cheltenham Hurrah for other useful, international tips.
A surgeon has recently been struck off following a sting of complaints from disgruntled patients and their families. The list of incompetence’s eventually led to the avoidable death of a patient whilst in surgery.
Dr Nicky Nacky-Noo from Cheltenham General Hospital had been under investigation for a period of six month prior to being removed from his employment.
The said surgeon was thought to have held a prominent role within heart surgery over many years. His tribunal and hearing discussed his record of misfortunes and mistakes resulting in medical mishaps and loss of lives. Throughout the case his professionalism was also under scrutiny and his knowledge about his subject area was also tested.
The case was raised with The General Medical Council following the death of a patient following a routine heart operation.
A nice cup of tea
The prosecution accused Dr Nicky Nacky-Noo of carrying out un-necessary surgery on patients who could have been treated with a nice cup of tea and a sit down. It further transpired that the doctor’s qualifications were gained from the questionable educational institute ‘Learndirect’.
In his defence Dr Nicky Nacky-Noo’s barrister (Mary Wing-Mirror) stated that he had obtained much of his medical knowledge from those of whom he worked with and so, as a result, the whole department needed to be under investigation. It was therefore, claimed that Dr Nicky Nacky-Noo was being scapegoated for the departments failures and requested that the hearing be stopped on those grounds – This request was turned down.
During the hearing, it was stated that Dr Nicky Nacky-Noo overheard a conversation from two highly qualified and regarded nurses discussing the complications of heart surgery. Mary Wing-Mirror stated that the nurses considered that ‘the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’. Dr Nicky Nacky-Noo thought this was a new approach to the ever-developing way hearts are treated and was willing to ‘give it a go’.
New job offer
Following the hearing the Dr was instantly offered a lucrative job offer as Minister of Heath whereby he can continue his f*ck ups without hindrance or justification.
“I’m glad that this entire process is now over with” stated the doctor. “I just look forward to being overpaid for being the twat that I actually am”.
The Cheltenham Hurrah has been heavily involved in recent research into the benefits of fast (and fatty) foods.
The lower High Street is awash with take-aways, burger bars, bakeries and other eateries that were once considered to be unhealthy. However, recent developments and observations have discovered that previous thoughts on fatty foods may be wrong.
We sent our reporter out
Our roving reporter (Dick Wad) was sent out on the streets to track down the author of ‘I love Greggs’ who has challenged the preconceived ideas of the poor health benefits of fast food.
I love Greggs
Our reporter met Chris P. Chicken – the author of ‘I love Greggs’ outside the mentioned eatery.
“The conversation was held over a breakfast special with a cup of coffee” said our reporter. Initial observations were positive. The bakery sold a range of products that cater for a range of tastes and appetites. There was evidence of porridge and bacon rolls sitting side by side with pasties and cakes.
Chris P. Chicken who has a range of qualifications from the well-established educational institute ‘learndirect’. Was quick to point out how different customers reacted to the food they selected and purchased.
After about 5 minutes a young girl dressed in a smart suit had entered the bakery. She selected a salad roll and a diet coke. After purchasing the said produce she left. There was nothing remarkable about the transactions of ‘which’ stated Chris ‘proved his point.’
Chris was quick to highlight that this said customer had made no physical efforts with her purchases. She had entered the shop with not a whisp of sweat and left in the same manor with her healthy choices.
Sweating like Jimmy Savile on a Christmas episode of ‘top of the pops ‘.
Within five minutes another customer was seen to enter the feeding establishment. This customer was completely different to the previous one. He was a large man with the standard stains down his off white t-shirt. His belly button could be identified peeping from bellow the said top. “Here is a good example” stated Chris. “Witness how the sweat drips from his forehead as this specimen selects his doughnuts, pasties and pies.”
Same sweat as that found in the gym
Following research carried out by Chris he had identified that this form of sweat was the same as those that regularly visit the gym experience. “Only one conclusion can be drawn” stated Chris. “Visiting Greggs has the same effect as visiting the gym for many people, both sets of people sweat in the same fashion therefore, they must be equally good.”
This observation was continually witnessed with other large customers ordering similar foods. Our reporter was quick to note that the fattier the food the greater the sweat ratio on the various customers.
This theory was continually proven whilst the two wandered down the lower end of the High Street. “Time and time again” stated Dick “we observed fat people gaining sweaty patches when ordering fast and fatty food.”
The end of the gym?
“This may be the death of the expensive gyms dotted around the town” said Michael Tightshorts of SimplyGym. “Why pay £15 a month for gym membership when you can get two sausage rolls for £1?” Gym managers around the county are genuinely concerned about this revelation and fear potential job losses. However, a representative from ‘Greggs’ was delighted with the research findings.
“We have known for years” stated Chris T Bread from the towns branch of Greggs. “We just can’t make enough pies and pasties for the Cheltenham folk who suffer with ‘big bones’ or ‘gland problems’”.
Mouth hole bigger than bum hole?
For years it was suggested that larger customers had a larger mouth hole than bum hole and this investigation has shown that sweating within a cake shop has positive benefits.
A new up and coming cleaning company has been set up in Montpellier and as ‘The Cheltenham Hurrah’ are keen to promote new businesses within the area, we sent out our reporter (Dick Wad) to meet the staff and business at ‘Rub-adub-dub’.
The laundrette is hidden behind a row of shops of which is not as disadvantageous as first thought. “Due to the nature of some of the clothes of which our clients bring, our position can ensure confidentiality. This ensures our high customer care and service” said Robin Washboard (the owner of the said business).
The company was initially started by specialising in the cleaning and repairing of S&M costumes and frilly dresses for cross dressers. “It literally took off” said Robin. “My mum’s utility room just wasn’t enough and so we moved to these premises”.
“We’ve had all manner of people through our doors” chuckled Robin. “You know, these aren’t the kind of things you can just pop into Sketchleys”. The clients range from Police officers to High Court judges. “We focus on asking no questions, this way we’re told no lies” Robin winks with a cheeky smile.
The shop is amazingly clean with a strong smell of disinfectant of which would be expected for such a business. “We have met the high standards expected with cleaning delicate materials such as lace and PVC” Robin told our reporter whilst indicating a range of framed certificates hanging from the walls.
What would you suggest in cases of emergency?
Due to the types of clothes that ‘Rub-adub-dub’ deal with they understand that is not always easy for their customers to get down to the cleaning specialists.
“What would you suggest in cases of emergency?” asked our reporter.
With a belly laugh Robin stated; “oh, if I had a pound for every time I was asked that question” he roared.
The best tip I can give is as follows;
“If you’re having problems getting rid of spunk and skid stains out of cotton underpants, you need to allow 40 minutes at 60 degrees in the washing machine. You then need to allow a further 20 minutes in the tumble dryer on a medium heat. If you don’t have a tumble dryer then stick them on a radiator for 30 minutes at the highest setting you can. Once you have done this you then need to allow quarter of an hour to climb over next doors fence and replacing them back onto the washing line. This is time critical because you need to do this all before he/she comes home from work or the shops”.
Local historians and archaeologists have uncovered evidence to show that ‘chappyness’ originated in Cheltenham many centuries ago.
Recently discovered documents show that Cheltenham had a ‘dapper’ history when it came to dress sense and general ‘Lordyness’.
The Cheltenham Hurrah’s historical editor (Mr I. A.M Handsome) paid a visit to The University of Gloucestershire’s history and archaeology department to see what all the excitement was about.
Dr David Rusty-Trowel (Head of archaeology) stated;
“We’ve all had our suspicions that ‘dappyness’ had its roots within the Gloucestershire county for many years now. In our unending quest for the truth, we used our archaeological nous to track down Keefy the Unscruffy. It transpires that he enforced the handlebar moustache on to the Cheltenham inhabitants following the Norman invasion in 1066.”
Finding the documents
These documents were found deep within the cellar of the town’s library. David said “we were delighted when we found these documents. They were about to be binned to make way for a costa coffee (Cheltenham is in desperate need for ‘another’ coffee shop) in the cellar of the library when a member of staff found them.”
So what do the historical documents say?
On investigation, the dusty documents appear to be written in a diary format. Although written by hand in Latin, in goes into great detail the struggles that Keefy the Unscruffy had in taming many of the ancient Cheltenham residents.
Saucier than an explosion in a ketchup factory
Keefy the Unscruffy describes within his writing how many of the ancient residents were; ‘saucier than an explosion in a ketchup factory’. He further describes how he tamed such behaviour with the use of an armed crack-down upon un-chivalrousness behaviour towards the towns women folk.
The local wenches
Once his rule of law had been established and enforced within Cheltenham Keefy the Unsruffy went into great detail about how the women responded to his ‘chappy’ ways. “Women love me” he wrote in his ancient hand. He further recounted how one poor wretch of a woman in Churchdown contemplated catching the plague on purpose if ‘Keefy the Unscruffy’ didn’t visit her hamlet forthwith.
The Warwickshire Chronicle were quite vocal in its criticism of Keefy the Unscruffy’s ‘chappyness’; Following a personal attack on Keefy’s selection of open toed sandals by the Warwickshire Chronicle he quickly responded with a poster campaign that were attached to trees and posts with an arrow. The records show the contents of these posters as a draft copy was found illustrated within the newly found documents.
The poster said
“Bad Monk Bostin of Birminghamville tells fake chronicles! More warped than his stupid illuminations that look like they were drawn by a peasant’s hand! “
What were his thoughts on peasants?
He didn’t like them too much. He insisted on a ‘heavy crack-down’ on such weekly events at Pri-market held on the second day after sabbath. “Bad!” he wrote. “The worst thing? We don’t know the numbers! There could be any number! Bad!”
How did he relax in the evenings?
Records show that he was keen on a bit of hawking or deer hunting in the Pitville forest . He would also while away many hours deciding what to wear for the following day. The documents show that he was often tortured with the thoughts of mixing pheasant feathers with brown breaches. In effect, he was illustrating that nothing much has changed within the daily events of the Cheltenham chap today.
Records showed that he considered building a town wall
Keefy the Unscruffy was concerned about nightly raids being carried out by the Gloucester rabble. The protection of the town and its growing interest in tweed needed to be protected from the inhabitants of Mattersonville who often visited the town and stole the said wears by putting them down their briefs and walking past security un-harassed.
He also considered the expulsion from the town of the Warden Hill Witches. One particular hag called Lizzie the Untall was particularly nasty with her use of vegetables to cast spells upon the Lords and Ladies of the town. Keefy the Unscruffy commented that what that hag could do with a carrot was ‘unspeakable’.
There are no plans to exhibit the documents either now or in the near future. “Keefy the Unscruffy would never want any plebs touching his handwritten pages ‘willy-nilly,’” said Dr David Rusty-Trowel and we need to respect that.
Our roving reporter (Dick Wadd) was recently sent out to report on the exciting revelation that Cheltenham has its own 15th century re-enactment society.
Following extensive research from a man in the park and google, it transpires that this organisation meets daily within the town centre itself. The Cheltenham Hurrah were told that there are no formal qualifications required or annual membership subscriptions to enjoy what the group had to offer. Dick stated that “with this approach to membership it makes it all inclusive for everyone within Cheltenham to enjoy this historical appreciation society”.
Really early start
As Dick was keen to partake in this societies events we sent him out nice and early in the morning to review and feedback on the organisations characters and activities.
Dick arrived at The Bank House Inn at 10am. “I was delighted to see that many of the occupants had dressed for the occasion”. Dick further stated, “a great deal of effort must have gone into perfecting the look of having teeth resembling a burnt-out fuse box”. “Matted hair was also an appreciated feature too”.
Dick raved at the realistic atmosphere within the walls of the branch of Weatherspoons. From a distance it was easy to identify those of whom dressed as ‘witches’. There were even one or two that arrived acting and looking like ‘village idiots.’
On closer inspection, a real appreciation was made with regards to the authentic look of dirty necks and that ‘buffy’ type smell like a wet dog that had fallen asleep in a fish market.
“Anyone with the smallest knowledge of English history could get a lot from this place” stated Simon Nosoap (an employer of the said public house).
Professor Hobnob from Gloucestershire University History Departmen,t was equally raving about the historical societies authenticity. “Many of my first year students are aware that the drinking water within the town was unsafe to drink, as a result locals made a drink called ‘small beer’ that was safer than the water to consume”. It was evident that The Bank House Inn went to great lengths to maintain this tradition as it was the only place in Cheltenham (apart from the other Weatherspoon) that was happy to serve alcohol with breakfasts.
The 15th century was a period filled with horrors such as wars and diseases. Cheltenham certainly had had its fair share of turmoil during this time having witnessed the ‘Black death’ and other historical horrors.
Simon Nosoap was keen to highlight the lengths that The Bank House Inn had gone to ensure this experience was not lost on its customers. “We ensure” he said, “that every person who comes through those doors will experience a feeling of dread and a mild concern for their own safety”.
Entrance is free but it is advised to let a loved one know where you are going before you leave your house.
Preparations are taking place in the world of Cheltenham’s Amateur Dramatics Societies in readiness for the busy Christmas ‘panto’ season.
As always, the Christmas panto will be held in the Playhouse Theatre in Bath Road from the 28th November until 16th January 2018. Mark McTicket from the Playhouse Theatre told reporters that this can be a very busy period in the run up to Christmas. “We are expecting a rise in ticket sales especially now two of Cheltenham’s best Am-Dram companies are coming together”. “As an extra special offer” Mark said “we are offering a pensioner’s special. For every OAP ticket sold a free one is given to their parents”.
PP and CODS
The two leading Amateur Dramatic Societies have come together to bring festive cheer to Cheltenham’s young and old alike. Promenade Productions (PP) and Cheltenham Operatic and Dramatic Society (CODS) are both well-known societies within Cheltenham that have given years of dramatic splendour to the people of Cheltenham for generations.
“This is a wonderful opportunity to put Cheltenham on the map of entertainment” said Paul McPlonker (49) from Cheltenham’s Guild of Thespians. My father would have loved to have lived long enough to have seen this become reality. Unfortunatly, he recently passed away from overdosing on dolly mixtures and cough syrup.
However, the two societies have recently had a difference of opinion with regards to Christmas performances. Which has potentially brought a stop to the Christmas performances.
Polly Styrene from PP’s had pushed for a Christmas version of Jekyll and Hyde. She told The Cheltenham Hurrah that PPs have performed this show over “many years” of which “was enthusiastically received” by the audiences. Whereas, Helen Back from CODS, wanted to present the usual Christmas classic of Cinderella with a twist.
In the name of multi-culturalism CODS wanted to set Cinderella in India. Whereby, Cinderella is converted to Sikhism. One night she disappears after attending the ball and is last seen flying away on a magic carpet. Helen Back stated that the present Cinderella does not conform with modern society of which represents many different cultures.
As a compromise PPs and CODS have come together and merged the two ideas.