Early Christmas Bargains

Local electrical retailers in and around Gloucester and Cheltenham have taken the initiative to join forces and beat the Christmas rush to grab an early bargain.

sales

More bargains than you can shake a stick at

Michael Doorstep general manager from PC world told the Cheltenham Hurrah that “we like to be seen as proactive when it comes to giving our customers value for money and general satisfaction. This is why we have decided to join forces with other electrical retailers and offer the good people of Cheltenham and Gloucester an amazing offer just before Christmas.”

Our Dick on the streets

Our roving reporter Dick Wadd, was quick to hit the high streets to see what kind of offers these shops were offering. However, initially Dick was a little disappointed with the limited offers these electrical giants were willing to give.

Dick stated that all of the shops only seemed to be offering great deals on television sets that had their volume stuck on ‘high’. However, to off set this minor setback all of the Television sets were being offered for sale at a massively reduced rate. For example, a 50” flat screen SMART television was on offer for £1. That’s right, £1.

55SJ950V

As a result Dick hit the streets to ask the good people of Cheltenham and Gloucester to see how they felt about buying a television set with the volume stuck on ‘high’ for £1.

Mike Itchycrack (34) from Churchdown who had just purchased a said television set said “for £1 I just couldn’t turn it down”.

Advertisements

Sexual Harrassment cases found in Cheltenham

Hitting the streets

Following the string of sexual harassment scandals hitting the headlines recently, The Cheltenham Hurrah sent out our roving reporter (Dick Wadd) on to the streets of Cheltenham to see how real these events are for the everyday people of the town.

boots high street
The High Street in Cheltenham

Dick Wadd, came across a number of terrifying examples that the people of Cheltenham were willing to share.

Olden’ day filth

Grace Vegetablepatch

One resident, Grace Vegetablepatch (87) stated that in her day a little bit of ‘slap and tickle’ was an everyday thing and she would not share what she would have done for a pair of ‘nylons’ during the war. However, Grace was quick to point out that at her age she would love the idea of her ‘hip being knocked out of place a few times a week’.

No boundaries

It appears that sexual harassment has no gender boundaries as Dick found a gentleman who was shocked to discover that he too was open to such vile sexual requests.

Just down right disgusting

lightbulb
Not as innocent as one might think

Michael Windowledge (42) was quick to point out his recent harassment at the hands of a check out whilst out with his family innocently shopping on Saturday morning.

“Well”, Michael said “I had just been into Homebase with my wife and children and bought a pack of energy saving light bulbs.  As the young girl on the till scanned them, she asked: “Will you be putting these up yourself, sir?”  “‘Erm, no.” I replied. “What kind of sicko do you think I am?”

Michael stated that following the incident he is seeking legal advice from his lawyers ‘Overpriced & Co’.

A representative from Homebase was unavailable for comment.

Allotments are targets of crime

Police need support

Gloucestershire police are asking for public support following recent events in and around Cheltenham’s allotments.

CCTV

Suspicious activity has been reported from a number of allotment tenants together with poor quality CCTV camera footage.

Strange white van spotted

The footage has shown a white van arriving at the allotment gates in the early hours of the morning. Once they gain access to the plots the culprits can no longer be seen on the screen.

“It’s all very strange”

Thomas Trowel (62) from Up Hatherley has owned and worked on his allotment since retiring back in 1989. Mr Trowel informed The Cheltenham Hurrah that “it just doesn’t make any sense, I have been told about these strange activities but nothing seems to have been taken”.

Mr Trowel was intrigued to know what has been happening as it is clear that these villains are clearly entering the allotments for some sort of reason.

Police investigations

Following initial investigations all the police could conclude was that the strange visitor was dumping soil in around the said allotments.

Inspector Notdonemuch from Cheltenham Police Station stated that “one particular allotment owner had been specifically targeted with the dumping of soil. As a result the plot thickens”.

 

Cheltenham Leads The Way on Treating Sexual Impotence.

Gloucestershire University have recently led the way on the treatment of poor erectile dysfunction and sexual impotence.

Is this the end of Viagra?

Years of study by the University has now suggested that there is no longer a need for expensive medication, thus, removing potentially nasty side effects and so on.

Gloucestershire’s Youth

Dr Pictureframe from the department of sexual diseases stated that their department has been studying the actions of mainly young men in and around Gloucestershire.

Dwain Asbo. Recenly learnt how to spell his name. Next week he will be taught how to dress himself.

One specimen, father of three named Dwain Asbo (19), was quick to point out the benefits of such a study. “For ages my step dad called me Thrush, well this study does indeed indicate that I am actually an irritating cock”.

Study outcomes

Photo 2 - 24.10.16

“Our study found” said Dr Pictureframe “that to compensate for a small penis, revving your engine as loud as possible of your Vauxhall Corsa outside McDonalds on the Kingsditch Retail Park, leads people to believe that you will have a dong as long as the name of a Welsh town”.

Female attributes

The ground breaking study also found that the sexual equality laws also relate to the rules of evolution. “The study also interesting found” stated Dr Pictureframe, “that if you ride one of those moped thingys, you are actually perceived to be a real cunt”.

 

 

 

Fortune Telling Insurance Companies

The Cheltenham Hurrah are pleased to announce that we are the first news organisation to discover that insurance companies are now recruiting witches, wizards and fortune tellers.

Image result for fortune tellers
Some wizard wannbe trying to predict next weeks lottery numbers.

Injured drivers have no idea of their injuries

There has recently been a high level of accidents within the Cheltenham area of which the victims had no idea of having. But with this new concept of recruiting certain specialist the insurance companies can now tell the driver’s that they have had an accident before they have even realised.

One step ahead for our customers

Peter Expensive-Excess from the Cheltenham Guild of Insurers was delighted to introduce this concept to his Cheltenham customers. “We have found” Peter said, “that when we carry out our cold calling operations about 99.9% of our customers have no idea that they have been in an accident [the other 0.1% didn’t speak English] and this is a real cause for concern as many customers are therefore showing signs of concussion and poor memory following the accident. This is an excellent service we now offer for no extra cost”.

Image result for car crash
A bit of T-Cut could sort that out

It’s all about the money compensation

These ‘magical folk’ have the ability to communicate with the said victims of an accident before the victim even has any recollection of having one. The system now, therefore, offers the crash victim an opportunity to gain financial recompense that may otherwise have been forgotten.

Unknown terrible head injury

Michael Mirrorstand (32) from Staverton, informed The Cheltenham Hurrah that he was ‘over the moon’ with this level of service. Michael stated that the insurance company were adamant that he had been involved in an accident. “The accident must have been really bad and I must have suffered concussion due to a terrible head injury. I just cannot recall crashing into anything” he said. “I cannot recall being cut out of the car that is now fixed, or being rushed to an unknown hospital in an unknown ambulance”.

It’s a miracle – the car didn’t even have a scratch

Mary Letterbox (40) from Churchdown was even more impressed. She was quick to tell the story that following her phone call from the mystery insurance man she instantly ran out to check her car for any damage following the un-remembered accident. “Wow, just wow” she exclaimed. “The insurance company must have got the car fixed for me before I had any recollection of the accident they kindly informed me that I had had – that I didn’t know about”.

Hospital Services stretched

cheltenham A&E
Cheltenham A & E taken during the daylight hours

There has been a marked increase in recent hospital admissions for people who are now claiming to have had an accident that they have no recollection of. Dr Teethgrinder from Cheltenham A&E informed the Cheltenham Hurrah that there has been a marked rise in patients claiming to be suffering with memory loss and concussion following an unknown car accident.

Recruitment drive

Image result for famous spiritualists
Always able to recall someone who died from death – Derek Acorah.

Due to the success of these cold callers ability to recall the forgotten accidents many celebrity wizards are sending in their CVs to various Cheltenham Insurance companies. Applications from Mystic Meg, Derek Acorah and Harry Potter have been submitted.

 

Cheltenham man named as England’s greatest latherio

Lucky girls of Cheltenham

An unsuspecting local man has recently been identified as England’s greatest latherio.

Image result for ugly man
Dwaine Net-Curtain (38) has been awarded England’s greatest Lathario award.

Award winner

Dwaine Net-Curtain (38) was surprised to win the award this morning at a ceremony in the town hall. This prestigious award means that Mr Net-Curtain will be the face single men up and down the country resulting in lucrative sponsorships with dating agencies and so on.

Anyone could be a local heart throb

David Fondant-Filling (44) representing lonely heart clubs up and down the country spoke to The Cheltenham Hurrah of the importance of such an award. Mr Fondant-Finger stated; “This award indicated that anyone could be considered as a local heart throb”. He further said that “although Dwaine has never had a proper girlfriend it goes to show that everyone has potential to find a mate”.

Delighted

Dwaine who still lives with his parents in Leckhampton told The Cheltenham Hurrah that he was delight to have won this award. “It’s all come as a bit of a surprise to be honest with you” he said.

Image result for old couple
Dwaine’s perents are hoping they can now get rid of the ‘diappointment’

Dwaine told The Cheltenham Hurrah of his recent struggle to find his ‘one’. “I’ve joined dating websites and experienced speed dating venues but I’m left bereft at not getting anywhere”.

So what is his new found success based on?

The Cheltenham Hurrah wanted to discover how Dwaine went from Zero to Hero so quickly.

Philosophical

Dwaine was somewhat philosophical about this question and paused for a moment before divulging his secret.

Related image

“Well it was all so strange” Dwaine said. “As I mentioned earlier I had tried all of the usual routes to find my match but became disillusioned. So I took it upon myself to write my own ad in the local paper”.

When pressed about the details of his advert he reached inside his pocket to show us the said newspaper clipping.

 

Advert in lonely hearts column

The advert read, quite simply as;

“Wife Wanted”.

Well within days he had received literally hundreds of letters from local people.

“The strange thing was” Dwaine said “although they came from different locations across the Gloucestershire county, they all said the same”.

When pressed to divulge the content of these letters Dwaine simply answered; “each and every letter said ‘you can have mine.’

 

Special effects organiser charged

Arrests were made in the early hours of the morning yesterday following a disaster at the Rose Theatre in Tewkesbury.

Escape

Theatre goers were enjoying the scenes and sets whilst watching ‘The Rocky Horror Show’. Many Basque’d males and confused females were witnessed to be scrambling to escape the building during the said performance.

Image result for rocky horror show

Problems

Witnesses said that the show was going really well with people singing along and showing off their outfits. According to Dr Andrew Macaroon (40) from Charlton Kings, the night was “full of lights and loud music, it was only when the dry ice started that we thought there was a problem”

Mixed up measurements

Ms Toohola Badback (26) owner of the special effects company told the investigating officers that she had “mixed up her measurements” whilst setting up the dry ice machine. As a result the first three rows of the theatre were frozen solid in their seats. The rest of the audience and actors had to be evacuated from the building.

Firemen had to be woken up

Image result for sleeping fireman

Ambulances were called and fire services were woken from their sleep to attend the potential disaster. Reports from Gloucester Accident and Emergency indicated that at least 5 people were being treated for hypothermia and a further 8 were later discharged.

 

Solicitors statement

Ms Toohola’s solicitor has now conformed to the Cheltenham Hurrah that Too’s Company Freeze A Crowd.