A new Cheltenham talent show

Following the recent success of various antiques and travel TV programmes, The Cheltenham Hurrah held an open afternoon at the Cheltenham Town hall yesterday. The Cheltenham Hurrah staff were keen to gather many stories from the good folk of Cheltenham telling tales of interest and woe.

Lots of tales

Within the first hour or so, many residents had told us historical tales associated with the town dating back many centuries. As a result, The Cheltenham Hurrah decided to have a regular page dedicated to facts in and around the Cheltenham area for people to share and contribute to.

Letter

However, one particular letter arrived at the busy Cheltenham Hurrah mail room today addressed from a Mr Quincy Tippington.

The Cheltenham Hurrah would like to thank Mr Tippington, from Swindon Village, for his interesting comments and charming photograph of his wife (Mrs Ethel Tippington).

Whilst The Cheltenham Hurrah does indeed agree that she would make a worthy contribution to the interesting stories of in and around Cheltenham. However, there appears to be some kind of misunderstanding on your part. The issue rests with some confusion not only about the page content but also the title of the page we (were) about to publish.

To be precise, the page is in fact called ‘The Cheltenham Fact Hunt’ and not ‘the Cheltenham Fat C*nt’ as you seem to be indicating.

The staff and editors do indeed express our thanks for your contribution, but we will not be publishing your letter or photograph at this time.

Don’t be disheartened

However, do not be disheartened as Channel Four are often looking for people with your wife’s’ talent for their ever running, talentless show, ‘Big Brother’. That programme is full of Fact Hunts.

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New year, new term, new curriculum

With the start of the new year and normality finally settling in, The Cheltenham Hurrah ventured into the local primary schools to see how the young folk of Cheltenham are finding it now they are back behind their little desks.

Our roving reporter, Dick Wadd, happily heard stories of Christmas parties, drunken antics of parents and grandparents. Dick even told us of stories of family pets being dressed up in readiness for the Christmas cheer.

Reception class teacher Mrs Couldntdoanotherjob (40) told The Cheltenham Hurrah that;

“This new term will be a busy one for the children. The reception children will be doing phonics in literature and whole numbers in numeracy. The children will also be undertaking a project about the media and how it makes us think about the world around us.”

Dick took the time to ask a selection of children what they are most looking forward to within the new national curriculum.

Judy (4) who clearly stated that she is a massive Peppa Pig fan said;

” why do  people make up things that their children have said for social media? Isn’t it just inherently dishonest & indicative of an inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves?”

We at The Cheltenham Hurrah thinks Judy has a point.

Our son is so ungrateful – Aunty Betty

Dear Aunty Betty

Well, Christmas has come and gone, but this year, let me tell you, has been a real cracker.

Yet again Aunty Betty, it has been ruined by the ungratefulness of our eight-year-old son (Tarquin) who has no consideration for the efforts and planning that goes into making this one day of the year special.

Like every year, we awoke before sunrise and followed our son downstairs witnessing the chaos and excitement associated with the ripping of Christmas paper. We also smiled with merriment at his enthusiastic cheers whilst opening his excessive amount of presents stashed under the Christmas tree.

Then, within a blink of an eye everything changed.

“You never listen” he screamed, looking directly at his mother and I.

“I wanted roller blades” he shouted throwing his present on to the floor.

Whilst my wife and I stood there in shock having observed his little outburst, our precious Tarquin stormed off upstairs screaming “I asked for rollerblades”.

Well, Aunty Betty, to be fair, he may have a point. Whilst out Christmas shopping my wife and I did wonder why an eight-year-old would want a set of roller blinds.

Yours

Joshua Silkybow.

Aunty Betty says…

Dear Joshua

I know just what you mean about the youth of today. They are not grateful for anything these days and expect more and more as each year passes by.

I remember in my youthful days we always got the same old shite.

I can recall it now; a piece of coal, an orange, an apple and half a crown. Believe me, we were so grateful for these little tokens way back then as we were so poor.

However, on boxing day the coal was thrown on the fire, I discovered I was allergic to oranges (and spent the following two days in hospital) and the apple was re-possessed by the greengrocer who came knocking at the door. And yes, you guessed it, the greengrocer took the half crown to cover the outstanding bills.

Our house was often bombed during the war years and we often spent the winter nights in the Anderson Shelter with a draft blowing up my gingham skirt.

Oooh but those were the good old days.

Lots of love

Aunty Betty

Legal Action Sought

The Editors of the Cheltenham Hurrah have been in deep consultations over the past week. There has been talk that The Cheltenham Hurrah may have to cease trading effecting literally three of its avid readers.

This afternoon a statement was handed to the BBC and other press agencies, highlighting the new difficulties that the management team are presently facing.

According to the press release emergency talks have been held at the highest level following a letter it received last week.

The statement is as follows;

 

Dear loyal followers of The Cheltenham Hurrah

Well, it just goes to show, you never know who’s reading our world famous funny pages. Our reporters are always seeking the local areas to keep our readers abreast of events as they develop. We have been proud to identify that the people of Cheltenham and Gloucester do indeed have a sense of humour, just look at the way how people dress in Gloucester city centre to prove our point.

However, we have recently been contacted by Russell Brand’s agent and asked if we would like to join his team of writers.

Our management team, reporters and other members of staff are absolutely gutted. We, as a team had always thought we were quite funny!!

We will be seeking legal clarification to ascertain if Russell Brand is in breach of the Trades Descriptions Act by claiming to be a comedian.

We will of course keep you up to date with regards to developments.

Yours

Desmond Widebelly

Editor in Chief

 

 

Christmas Crisis – Aunty Betty to the rescue

Dear Aunty Betty

With Christmas literally breathing down our necks, the atmosphere in our home is far from cheerful. As a result I really need your help and advice to try and lift the spirits within our family home.

I recently think I have caught my Mrs out as a liar. For years she has been telling me that she is a nurse working out of Gloucester Accident and Emergency Department. Yet last week she stated in front of my friends and family that I “don’t buy her flowers.”

And here is where my problem rests.  I always thought she was a bloody nurse not a florist!!!

If she can lie to me about what she does for a living, what else is she hiding?

Yours

Mr M. Crispycrumb

Aunty Betty says…

I really do understand your plight and it must be difficult at this time of year to keep a happy harmony in a troubled home.

I have given your problem a whole three minutes of consideration and think that you really shouldn’t split up over her occupation (what ever she claims to do).

When it comes to careers it can be a difficult one to contemplate. The career choices out there are phenomenal and to make the wrong choices can lead to a life of working misery.

When I was about to leave school, I was stuck with two choices. Should I become a barber or a writer of short stories? Well to help me choose I recall flipping a coin shouting. “heads or tails”

Lots of Love

Aunty Betty

Come To The Group Meeting

A letter

The Cheltenham Hurrah recently received a letter from a regular reader wishing to advertise a new support group being set up in Cheltenham. Of course, The Cheltenham Hurrah are always willing to support local groups offering to help support the local community.

Support group

Mr P. Mypants letter informed The Cheltenham Hurrah yesterday that the group was being set up to help those of whom suffer from the unfortunate condition known as ‘premature ejaculation’.

Time and venue

The group will meet at Swindon Village Hall on Wednesday nights at 19:30 hours starting in the new year. Mr P. Mypants letter stated that refreshments will be available and there is no joining fee. However, a weekly subscription of £3.00 is requested just to cover administration costs. Mr P. Mypants was also keen to mention that there is no formal dress code. If you want, you can cum in your pants.

Doggy Dinner Date Disaster

Dear Aunty Betty

I am desperate for your help.

I’m sitting here in one’s kitchen in Linden (house prices are rising nicely thank you) just horrified. At what I have just witnessed.

I had invited my friends from work around for dinner. They are an open-minded group as they work at the local ‘clap clinic’ and so are down to earth with regards to life’s funnier side. But this is an experience that even I would not find funny.

Tonight, I’ve cooked a wonderful dinner. A roast free range corn-fed chicken, King Edward potato grattan, broccoli and carrot bubble and squeak. Ingredients from Waitrose of course, garnished with a red wine and garlic gravy. Washed down with a lovely glass of Sauvignon Blanc.

Anyhow, I left the kitchen to go and polish the silver before my guests arrived only to return and witness the dog humping the roasted corn-fed chicken on the dining room table. Well I was livid because I had not got around to stuffing the chicken in the formal way only to discover the dog had done it for me.

Here is my dilemma Aunty Betty. Do I bin the free range corn-fed roasted chicken from Waitrose or wash it out before my guests arrive and mention nothing about the whole incident?

Aunty Betty says…

Well this is a difficult one to consider.

Initially I would have said bin it and phone for a take-away. When it arrives put it on a plate and take all the credit for cooking such a wonderful meal. I have done this myself when I purchased food from ‘Cooks’ on the Bath Road. Even today my family think I’m a dab hand and culinary delights.

However, on reflection this might work in your favour. I would continue to serve the said meal as it is evident that you have worked hard on it.

If anyone comments on experiencing a weird taste just tell them that you purchased a special stuffing from your local Waitrose. Just make up some weird name for it. Something like ‘Wild roasted nut with tea tree leaf stuffing’. Go further and tell them that it is a new range that you can only order on-line so this makes it difficult for them to stop off on the way home to confirm their doubts.

If they still protest just tell them it’s low fat, they fall for that kind of shit.