The Cheltenham Hurrah has been heavily involved in recent research into the benefits of fast (and fatty) foods.
The lower High Street is awash with take-aways, burger bars, bakeries and other eateries that were once considered to be unhealthy. However, recent developments and observations have discovered that previous thoughts on fatty foods may be wrong.
We sent our reporter out
Our roving reporter (Dick Wad) was sent out on the streets to track down the author of ‘I love Greggs’ who has challenged the preconceived ideas of the poor health benefits of fast food.
I love Greggs
Our reporter met Chris P. Chicken – the author of ‘I love Greggs’ outside the mentioned eatery.
“The conversation was held over a breakfast special with a cup of coffee” said our reporter. Initial observations were positive. The bakery sold a range of products that cater for a range of tastes and appetites. There was evidence of porridge and bacon rolls sitting side by side with pasties and cakes.
Chris P. Chicken who has a range of qualifications from the well-established educational institute ‘learndirect’. Was quick to point out how different customers reacted to the food they selected and purchased.
After about 5 minutes a young girl dressed in a smart suit had entered the bakery. She selected a salad roll and a diet coke. After purchasing the said produce she left. There was nothing remarkable about the transactions of ‘which’ stated Chris ‘proved his point.’
Chris was quick to highlight that this said customer had made no physical efforts with her purchases. She had entered the shop with not a whisp of sweat and left in the same manor with her healthy choices.
Sweating like Jimmy Savile on a Christmas episode of ‘top of the pops ‘.
Within five minutes another customer was seen to enter the feeding establishment. This customer was completely different to the previous one. He was a large man with the standard stains down his off white t-shirt. His belly button could be identified peeping from bellow the said top. “Here is a good example” stated Chris. “Witness how the sweat drips from his forehead as this specimen selects his doughnuts, pasties and pies.”
Same sweat as that found in the gym
Following research carried out by Chris he had identified that this form of sweat was the same as those that regularly visit the gym experience. “Only one conclusion can be drawn” stated Chris. “Visiting Greggs has the same effect as visiting the gym for many people, both sets of people sweat in the same fashion therefore, they must be equally good.”
This observation was continually witnessed with other large customers ordering similar foods. Our reporter was quick to note that the fattier the food the greater the sweat ratio on the various customers.
This theory was continually proven whilst the two wandered down the lower end of the High Street. “Time and time again” stated Dick “we observed fat people gaining sweaty patches when ordering fast and fatty food.”
The end of the gym?
“This may be the death of the expensive gyms dotted around the town” said Michael Tightshorts of SimplyGym. “Why pay £15 a month for gym membership when you can get two sausage rolls for £1?” Gym managers around the county are genuinely concerned about this revelation and fear potential job losses. However, a representative from ‘Greggs’ was delighted with the research findings.
“We have known for years” stated Chris T Bread from the towns branch of Greggs. “We just can’t make enough pies and pasties for the Cheltenham folk who suffer with ‘big bones’ or ‘gland problems’”.
Mouth hole bigger than bum hole?
For years it was suggested that larger customers had a larger mouth hole than bum hole and this investigation has shown that sweating within a cake shop has positive benefits.