Local historians and archaeologists have uncovered evidence to show that ‘chappyness’ originated in Cheltenham many centuries ago.
Recently discovered documents show that Cheltenham had a ‘dapper’ history when it came to dress sense and general ‘Lordyness’.
The Cheltenham Hurrah’s historical editor (Mr I. A.M Handsome) paid a visit to The University of Gloucestershire’s history and archaeology department to see what all the excitement was about.
Dr David Rusty-Trowel (Head of archaeology) stated;
“We’ve all had our suspicions that ‘dappyness’ had its roots within the Gloucestershire county for many years now. In our unending quest for the truth, we used our archaeological nous to track down Keefy the Unscruffy. It transpires that he enforced the handlebar moustache on to the Cheltenham inhabitants following the Norman invasion in 1066.”
Finding the documents
These documents were found deep within the cellar of the town’s library. David said “we were delighted when we found these documents. They were about to be binned to make way for a costa coffee (Cheltenham is in desperate need for ‘another’ coffee shop) in the cellar of the library when a member of staff found them.”
So what do the historical documents say?
On investigation, the dusty documents appear to be written in a diary format. Although written by hand in Latin, in goes into great detail the struggles that Keefy the Unscruffy had in taming many of the ancient Cheltenham residents.
Saucier than an explosion in a ketchup factory
Keefy the Unscruffy describes within his writing how many of the ancient residents were; ‘saucier than an explosion in a ketchup factory’. He further describes how he tamed such behaviour with the use of an armed crack-down upon un-chivalrousness behaviour towards the towns women folk.
The local wenches
Once his rule of law had been established and enforced within Cheltenham Keefy the Unsruffy went into great detail about how the women responded to his ‘chappy’ ways. “Women love me” he wrote in his ancient hand. He further recounted how one poor wretch of a woman in Churchdown contemplated catching the plague on purpose if ‘Keefy the Unscruffy’ didn’t visit her hamlet forthwith.
The Warwickshire Chronicle were quite vocal in its criticism of Keefy the Unscruffy’s ‘chappyness’; Following a personal attack on Keefy’s selection of open toed sandals by the Warwickshire Chronicle he quickly responded with a poster campaign that were attached to trees and posts with an arrow. The records show the contents of these posters as a draft copy was found illustrated within the newly found documents.
The poster said
“Bad Monk Bostin of Birminghamville tells fake chronicles! More warped than his stupid illuminations that look like they were drawn by a peasant’s hand! “
What were his thoughts on peasants?
He didn’t like them too much. He insisted on a ‘heavy crack-down’ on such weekly events at Pri-market held on the second day after sabbath. “Bad!” he wrote. “The worst thing? We don’t know the numbers! There could be any number! Bad!”
How did he relax in the evenings?
Records show that he was keen on a bit of hawking or deer hunting in the Pitville forest . He would also while away many hours deciding what to wear for the following day. The documents show that he was often tortured with the thoughts of mixing pheasant feathers with brown breaches. In effect, he was illustrating that nothing much has changed within the daily events of the Cheltenham chap today.
Records showed that he considered building a town wall
Keefy the Unscruffy was concerned about nightly raids being carried out by the Gloucester rabble. The protection of the town and its growing interest in tweed needed to be protected from the inhabitants of Mattersonville who often visited the town and stole the said wears by putting them down their briefs and walking past security un-harassed.
He also considered the expulsion from the town of the Warden Hill Witches. One particular hag called Lizzie the Untall was particularly nasty with her use of vegetables to cast spells upon the Lords and Ladies of the town. Keefy the Unscruffy commented that what that hag could do with a carrot was ‘unspeakable’.
There are no plans to exhibit the documents either now or in the near future. “Keefy the Unscruffy would never want any plebs touching his handwritten pages ‘willy-nilly,’” said Dr David Rusty-Trowel and we need to respect that.