Men have been lied to
A recent report has come from The University of Gloucestershire stating that the female of the Cheltenham species do indeed drop logs. What is equally shocking from the newly released report is that they are doing it as regularly as the males.
The report was quick to highlight that the women are not like the Queen and they have been cheating our male folk into thinking that they do not defecate.
Reporter sent out
We sent our roving reporter (Dick Wad) onto the streets of Cheltenham to try and establish the truth.
A man in the pub (he wished to keep his identity a secret) was livid by the revelation. “I knew it” he said. “For years now she has been pointing the finger at me telling me I was using too much toilet roll, what’s worst is that I believed her”.
What else is she hiding?
George Copperpot (42) gave another consideration. “Well”, he said, “…if my Mrs can lie about that, what else is she keeping from me”?
A representative from the local bridge club considered that it was “high time us men folk stood up to this kind of abuse of trust”.” This lack of honesty”, he continued “has cast a shadow over Cheltenham’s womenfolk and it may take decades if not centuries for trust to be rebuilt”.
A rise in divorce rates in Cheltenham
Following the revelations from the University, a flurry of calls was made to the Local Family law Courts. Mike Rubberstamp (44) called The Cheltenham Hurrah office to explain the extra pressures the courts are now under. There has been a tenfold increase in divorce petitions following this shocking news. Men are attempting to divorce their wives for a number of reasons. They range from not being honest about crimping one off, to using more than their equal share of toilet roll (aka scrape).
Ms Sniffyfresh (55) still holds the view that it is a woman’s right not to drop a cable. “Cheltenham ladies have evolved over time to not defecate, and we intend to challenge this paper and to put the record straight”.
Avoiding fibre and fresh fruit
Lizzie Bones (35) was relieved the news was out. “I’ve been keeping it all in at home, it is only when I go to work that I actually drop my clod”. She further revealed that the “weekends can be horrific, especially if my fella takes me for a curry on the Friday night. I just hope we can get over this and move on”. Lizzie commented that although she likes fruit she only ate healthy foods such as fibre because it made her look cool and trendy in front of her work mates. “I couldn’t eat it on the weekends because the world would fall out of my arse”.
Hatherley Park have reported a change in the shonking habits of the local dogs. “We have had our doubts for a while now”, reported John Wetgrass. “We have often thought that we have spotted female dogs pushing one out.” To add to the evidence Mr Wetgrass managed to capture a female dog dropping off Mr and Mrs brown on a patch of grass. The evidence is irrefutable.
Pitville Park are now having to inject money into reopening the female toilets. “We thought” said Michael Underpass, representing Pitville Park’s interests “that the women were just not using the facilities. We thought the skid marks in the pans were being left by cheeky men who wanted to use the female toilets in an act of rebellion.” When asked what the money will be spent on Mr Underpass stated that “the value of pot pouri and chintz curtains cannot be under estimated”.
David Value, manager at Tewkesbury Road Sainsbury’s was a little concerned about the latest news. He was quick to point out that “there has been a drop in sales of toilet fresheners. Now the women have no need to hide their toilet habits, there is no longer to hide their toilet smells.” However, Simon Overposh from Waitrose stated “I don’t give a shit really, as long as it doesn’t affect the sales of Bollinger or pate”.