Musical Outrage on High Street

A flurry of complaints came in this morning with regards to a musical outrage having been carried out on the High Street yesterday.

It was reported that a ‘busker’ was witnessed to be playing ‘pop’ type music to the passing general public of Cheltenham town yesterday.

The busker was moved on initially from outside Marks & Spencers only to be spotted outside Thomas Cook twenty minutes later.

Ruffian

The busker has been described as; white with hair and a pair of eyes that looked ‘shifty’.

Initially, it was assumed that the individual would be moved on by the local constabulary, but it appears that this ruffian was able to flout the law.

We don’t want that sort of thing

“It’s not that he was there”, stated Mrs Graveldrive (46), “it was the type of music he was playing, don’t get me wrong” Mrs Graveldrive further stated, “but we don’t want pop, this is Cheltenham, we should insist on Puccini, or Mozart at the very least”.

old lady cross
Mrs Cheekwart (102) stated the was “cross”

Cheltenham has a proud history of classical musicians such as Holst, of which no-one in the office can think of a single person who has actually visited the museum. Ever.

Further outrage was witnessed outside the town hall by people demanding the resignation of those of whom have allowed such outrages to happen within the town. Captain (retired) Bigtosh (87) from Bishops Cleeve, insisted that “these people supposed to be representing us voters, yet they allow such shenanigans to happen right under their noses, it’s an utter disgrace I tell you, an utter disgrace”.

funniest signs
Angry middle-class people

Anarchy

Mrs Silverpenny (56), was happy to suggest that “this is a slippery slope to anarchy. Once we let kind of music to be played openly on our streets it will result in the burning of shops and looting of our homes, I fear for my grandchildren”.

What about the voters?

A representative from the town council was willing to speak to the crowd but was boo’d by an ever increasing hostile group of middle-class individuals dressed in aggressive tweed. However, the council released a statement via email of which was received into our office at 3pm this afternoon.

The statement went as follows:

We have been distressed to hear that ‘pop’ type music has been played on the High Street and was witnessed by passers-by and small children.

Of course, Cheltenham Town Council take a dim view on such activities and will be looking to revoke any licences that have been issued. We have been promised that a thorough investigation will take place and appropriate action will follow.

We stress that the council take a very dim view on anything other than classical music being played to our good Cheltenham folk. Cheltenham has a proud history of sending poor musicians packing. If you recall Rick Astley was given a firm flee in his ear prior to him being kicked out of Cheltenham. (Reports state that Mr R. Astley was last seen heading south on the M5 towards Bristol).

rick astley
Rick Astley was sent packing with a flea in his ear.

Since then other ‘pop’ singers such as Mick Hucknall, of Simply Red fame has had to think twice before venturing down the Golden Valley towards Cheltenham.

Of course, Cheltenham Town Council is proud of it’s music standards and no stone will be left unturned to ensure that such things will not happen again.

Police investigations

The police have stated that they will be increasing foot patrols within the area over the next few months. Inspector Selfimportance from Cheltenham police station stated “we can’t have these buskers entering Cheltenham willy-nilly assuming that people like that sort of musical thing. We have a duty to protect the good people of Cheltenham from such dreadful noises. If it’s isn’t classical my officers have been instructed to seize their instruments and to sell them at Gloucesters branch of Cash Converters. We are operating a zero tolerance stance on this in the hope to build back public confidence”.

The Cheltenham Hurrah, will keep you posted on further developments.

 

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