Tracksuit Oink Seen Mixing With Middle Class Folk
Cheltenham folk are reeling in horror today as it was reported that a male described as ‘common’, was seen strolling the town centre wearing a tracksuit.
Local resident, Mrs Maureen Goldbar, 46, stated “this is just a slippery slope, young man”. Mrs Goldbar stated that from a distance she thought the “ragamuffin” was either a “visitor who was lost” or one of “those foreign types, don’t you know”.
Retired Col, Fitzroy Smithe OBE, B&Q, HMV; informed me that he witnessed the young chap stepping off a bus from Gloucester. “I was horrified” said the Colonel “that we still have buses this day and age, what, what”.
Reports came in that the individual was looking for a Primark as it was his 32 year old grandmothers birthday.
Following investigations by The Cheltenham Hurrah, we managed to track the individual down to a ground floor flat in an area that cannot be disclosed.
Dwain, stated that he was celebrating his first qualification since leaving his Youth Detention Centre, in May. “It took me ages, ya get me bro, to get me furst ASBO”. Stated Dwain, “I is been studying ages, init, da pigs don’t just giv ASBO’s out, you is gotta work for dis kind of shit, get me bruv, respect, wicked”. Following the interview the reporter had to try and work out what the hell he said. “At one stage” said The Cheltenham Hurrah reporter “I was informed that I was ‘sick, init'”. Well one can imagine, I had to visit my GP to double check.
Dwain, further stated, that he enjoyed his day out at Cheltenham. “It is a pity, init bruv, that because ovs my tag, I is ‘ad to ghet backs home, before me tea. I luvz Munsta munch”
Following the interview our intrepid reporter had to make sure his tetanus jabs were upto date, and needed a thorough lie down.
Ms Emily Futangfutangbuscuitbarrel, 26, informed the The Cheltenham Hurrah, that the “tracksuit wasn’t even a Dolce and Gabbana”. Ms Futangfutangbuscuitbarrell further stated that “we have our own working class coming out of Sports Direct on giro day, we certainly don’t need anymore.”
Today’s Crossword Puzzle
First Prize: The winner will receive their wife’s permission to spend £100 of their own money in House of Fraser.
2. Yellow fruit monkeys like to eat
1. The person who looks after the children if you can’t be bothered