The Demise Of Poor Food On the Rise

A Rise in Concerns In The Lack Of Middle Class Feeding Within The Spa Town

Reports have come in that there has been a rise in calls to Cheltenham Social Services Department with regards to the feeding habits of its towns children.

One such case concerned Tarquin, a child aged 5 months. It was reported that he had turned his nose up to Marks and Spencer’s low fat humus. Neighbours recently reported horrific screams from the child demanding to suckle from his mother’s shoulder boulders.

“We can’t just have baps swinging too and fro, willy-nilly” said John aged 32. “Don’t get me wrong”, he further stated “I’m the first one to support the feeding of children, but I wouldn’t want any old womans’ fun bags shoved into my face….. well now you mention it…” Nothing more was heard from John for a while but he returned ten minutes later slightly red faced and sweaty.

big floury baps
Big baps

John’s neighbour, Jilly aged 43, had another view  concerning the child’s dislike of the chick pea snack. “I mean” she stated “I can see the poor child’s point of view” Jilly has lived in Cheltenham for at least 30 years, and in that time she has witnessed a lowering of standards about the spa town. “Not once”, she further commented, “did I see that poor child being offered any sort of pitta, not even a ritz was witnessed in the whole fracas”.

Matthew, a spokesperson from Marks and Spencers middle class feeding station (aka food hall) stated; “we have had some concerns for a while now with regards to the feeding of Cheltenham children. I mean, I was brought up on quiche and it did me no harm.” Matthew further stated that, baby milk or associated powders, are only there to fill the spaces on their food hall shelves. “There is only so much tofu and guacamole a single store can stock.”

Concerns have also been risen in the town hall over the rise in sales of Greggs apple turn overs. Reports have come out from an unknown source, that the apple turn-overs constitute 1 of a persons 5 a day. Robert Winchester representing Cheltenham’s health interests stated that “further tests need to be carried out on such claims before they can be validated.” However, Robert was keen to point out “that you can get a cracking bacon butty and coffee for a reasonable price first thing in the morning. Although you have to pour it into a costa cup without anyone seeing, otherwise Cheltenham gentle folk will look down their noses at you.”

bloody hand

One of Cheltenham’s older residents was a little more philosphical about the whole food debate. Arthur McDoormatt, 87, told us about the recent change in his bread eating habits. Arthur recounted the horrific night he slightly nicked his hand whilst slicing a rustic loaf. “Oh, it stung like a bugger” Arthur recounted “I love my fresh loaves, better than that pre-packaged shite” he insisted. Arthur couldn’t talk for long as he is at that stage in life where you can’t trust a fart and was seen heading for the toilets at the back of McDonalds with a rapid shuffle.

Spot the ball competition

spot the ball 2

Anyone unable to do this needs to go to specsavers. There is a branch in Sainsbury’s on the Tewkesbury Road, but if you are that blind get someone to take you.



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