The recent charity scandal

Following international press highlighting the short comings of charity organisations the Cheltenham Hurrah decided to hit the streets of Cheltenham to see if the problems are endemic.

Our roving reporter, Dick Wadd, hunted high and low among the range of charity shops in Bath Road and around the town centre.

What we found was utterly disturbing.

Whilst working under cover Dick found numerous jigsaw puzzles with pieces missing and shirts that were clearly from the 1960’s labelled at ‘retro’.

Disgusting

Following a tip off to The Cheltenham Hurrah’s office yesterday morning we approached the PDSA shop that claims to campaign for the rights and well being of animals and pets.

Double standards?

Yet, we found one particular PDSA shop selling mouse traps for £1.99 (yes that’s right, £1.99 whilst stock last). We consider this a double standard that is rife within the charity sector. Although they offer good value for money The Cheltenham Hurrah considers that the charity really should make their mind up.

When we approached the organisation for an explanation no one was available as they were at a conference aimed at buying Nike shoes directly from the manufacturer at trade prices of 99 pence per shoe.

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Weather Warning

With the power of Facebook many of its contributors have informed the Cheltenham Hurrah that it is snowing outside (we appreciate this because our office has windows that are known to lie).

The Cheltenham Hurrah has forecast that this present winter weather will last until Spring or until another blast of snow of which will mean that spring has been suspended.

Icy stretches will continue to be likely on untreated roads, pavements and cycle paths during the rest of Saturday onwards into Sunday. Therefore, it is advisable to hit the shops as soon as possible to buy crap that you could actually live without for 24 hours.

The Cheltenham Hurrah also advises its readers to phone into work stating that you cannot get out of your driveway then take the family out for the day on a five mile trip to go ‘sledging’.

Local news agencies are also looking for people to fill their news slots highlighting people that have never experienced snow before and so have decided to sit in their cars and moan that they have moved half a mile in 15 hours. The viewers love that kind of shit because it has been at least twelve months since the last bunch of Muppets did the same.

The government has recently sent out alerts stating that ‘we are all in it together’ unless you are elderly or homeless. In which case the cold will kill them off anyway.

In addition, further weather is expected over the weekend which may affect commuters early next week.

Driving conditions (or the condition of drivers) is set to become difficult as many people who have taken advantage of the unexpected long weekend will undoubtedly be pissed and will try and venture home before it becomes more difficult to think of a valid excuse. As a result there is an increased chance of injuries from (supposed) slips and falls on icy surfaces.

Physical Education Teacher Recruitment

Have you ever thought of being a PE teacher?

Recent headlines have stated that the increasing cost of University education is putting many students off the idea of going into higher education.

As a result, industries such as engineering, nursing and teaching are being hit hard by not only retaining staff but also recruiting new ones.

As always Gloucester University has taken the lead in addressing this growing concern with a new and innovative scheme to tempt ‘A’ level students into the life of teaching. Specifically, Physical Education.

Cut price training to tempt students

Professor Rubberneck from the department of education, told the Cheltenham Hurrah that his department are considering a return to the 1980s in its approach to Physical Education teacher training.

“We will offer our courses” Professor rubberneck stated, “at 1980s rates of £1230 per annum”. This figure according to our sources reflects the equivalent cost of university education back in 1982.

1980s standard

“For this” the professor further stated, “our Physical Education teachers will be trained up to the standard of a 1980s PE teacher”.

The curriculum will include the art of slapping kids in the shower and having a vague knowledge of geography.

Application forms

The university is accepting application forms and all levels of interest for the said course from the end of February. The form must be either written in pen or printed. All forms completed in crayon and a clear attempt at finger spaces will not be considered.

Aunty Betty – Valentines Spark

Dear Aunty Betty

Well it’s that time of year again when we have to make that little bit more effort to show our affections to our loved ones.

Well, my husband and I have been married for 15 years now and to be fair things have slid in the bedroom department somewhat.

Aunty Betty, can you suggest anything to spice things up a little bit on our valentines evening?

Yours

Maurine Wooden-Flooring

 

Aunty Betty says …

Good afternoon Maurine

I know what its like to keep the spark going in a relationship and indeed the yearly Valentine struggle can put couples under a lot of pressure.

Have you ever considered dressing up and roll playing?

I used to love dressing up with my third husband.

My favourite was when we dressed up as doctors and nurses. To make it extra realistic I used to make him wait in the corridor for four hours before I saw him.

Best wishes

Aunty Betty

Rise in car crime

The Cheltenham Hurrah has been concerned about the recent rise of car crime in and around Cheltenham.

A number of cars have recently been reported as being taken from many of the town centres numerous car parks and homes.

A recent victim, Marjorie No-tax, 52, from Charlton Kings, told The Cheltenham Hurrah about her recent experiences at the hands of these villains.

“I was sitting in my living room watching Pointless” she said, “when I saw a soldier walking towards my car which was parked on the drive”.

“Within a split second, he dropped his trousers and was seen to be rubbing them against the lock on the driver’s door. Well I was shocked” She said.

I just couldn’t believe my eyes!!!

“Almost instantly the car door opened. Well, I ran to the front door just as the soldier was driving my car off the drive”

“Stop, I shouted, but he just drove off”

Detective Chief Inspector Button-Fly, held a press conference last night highlighting the Cheltenham Police’s concerns about this rise in vehicle theft.

The man is described as; white, 5’9” tall aged in his early twenties. Police have also stated that they suspect that the culprit is using his army uniform as a set of ‘Khakis’.

 

 

 

 

Aunty Betty – Marriage Problems

Dear Aunty Betty

I think I’ve been rumbled. I broke up with my ex-wife two years ago and I recently tried to get back with her. Anyway, this week she figured out I was only after my money.

Yours

Phil McWallet

Aunty Betty says…

Yes, break ups can be difficult. As you may know I have had a string of relationships but when I got back with husband number six he promised me the world. At the time, my dear. I was living in a bungalow and he was adamant he wanted to turn it into a house. Well that’s another story.

Lots of love

Aunty Betty.

Bookshop’s new bookshelf

The Cheltenham Hurrah are delighted to bring to our regular readers breaking news about the innovations of Waterstones in Cheltenham.

This morning Nevil Quicksearch from the said branch of the book store based on The Promenade, contacted our office. The intention was to ensure that their new book section would be shared and enjoyed not only by the good people of Gloucestershire, but also by our avid and educated readers.

Nevil Quicksearch from Cheltenham’s Waterstones stated;

“We have found a new niche that our customers have wanted for a while. Time after time customers are coming into the store and asking for a specific genre of book but we are having to send them away because we just do not cater for them”.

Nevil also stated that a whole bookshelf on the top floor (by the toilets) has been put aside specially to cater for customers asking for books on oils and lubricants. It will be called ‘Non-Friction.’